Jesus's alternative holy lifestyle

What? People are angry at Elton John for suggesting Jesus was gay? Says the star-spectacled one:

I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.

(Via Richard Dawkins' site)

Jesus? Gay? Well, what do we know about Jesus from writings, legend, and religious art? 

He was neat. Slim. Thirty-ish. Never married. Never touched a woman. Spent all his time with (and liked to wash the feet of) twelve smelly guys. Oddly silent on the whole "kill the homos" thing when pushing his uptight Dad's old laws. 

Do the math, believers. Jesus was gayer than a figgy pudding. 

(See also Is there something Jesus wasn't telling us?)