Tide goes in, stupid comes out: O'Reilly provides argument for lack of God

12 Jan 2011

The Intertubes as a whole have been laughing at Bill O'Reilly's naming of the tides as "proof" of a magic man in the sky. Responding to the claim by David Silverman, President of American Atheists, that all religions are a scam, O'Reilly tells us how he knows they're not: 

"Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that."

Full video of the interview:

It seems that O'Reilly drops the tide bomb often, even roping that big shiny daytime ball-thing into his theology:

"Sun goes up, sun goes down."

Not surprisingly, comics everywhere aren't going to let that tide just come and go without remark. Stephen Colbert offers the video compilation of the universe a la O'Reilly:

The Colbert Report Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Bill O'Reilly Proves God's Existence - Neil deGrasse Tyson
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> Video Archive

(Colbert's summary of O'Reilly's theology: "There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.")

Well. Everyone's already done his or her best to let O'Reilly in on the secret behind the tides. Here are a few more things I think he should know:

  1. The sun doesn't actually "go up" or "go down". Which is not a knock against O'Reilly; those are the colloquial terms for how we view things from the ground, and I suspect that even Bill knows that the Earth revolves. But:
  2. The sun does indeed go up and down with impressive, clock-like regularity. That's because an object in motion (including revolution) continues to do so, unchanged, unless affected by an external force. In other words, the regular rising and setting of the sun is what must happen in the absence of a miracle-working God.
  3. Thus, if the sun and the tides didn't move with predictable regularity, that would be a sign of possible divine power. (Thanks, Bill, for helping argue for the lack of a God!)
  4. Once again, O'Reilly is right when he claims that the sun behaves with awesome regularity. And that's why, when we hear an ancient claim that the sun stopped for a day so Joshua could kill more people, we know it's a myth.
  5. Getting back to real phenomena of nature, here are a few more occurrences for O'Reilly to ponder: Earthquake comes, children die. Volcano erupts, children die. Drought sets in, children die. Too much rain falls, children die. Plague breaks out, children die. Explain those, Bill.

Speaking of children, let me note in closing that the babes – or at least, those that survive the grotesque "miscommunications" of O'Reilly's God – are the very ones who hold The Book that may help explain the tides mystery to Bill:

Goodnight Moon

(Should be a required science text at Fox News. They could call back David Silverman, or any egg-head liberal, to help with the big words.) 

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