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"Arguing on the Internet is..."

Fill in the blank yourself with the punchline from any number of witticisms. They all equate to the same thing: "Arguing on the Internet is dumb." It's a waste of time, I know, especially responding to anonymous commenters... but once in a while, you just can't help but let fly.

Somehow I came across a story about a 12-year-old girl in Ethiopia beaten by men trying to abduct her for a forced "marriage". It seems that just as things looked the worst, three lions came along, scared off the men, and left the girl with no further harm. Wow!

An amazing tale? You bet! An open invitation to religious puffery by believers? Er, what else would you expect from people who see miracles imprinted on toast? It's no surprise that some goober commented thusly:

I am a Christian and I understand (and am OVERWHELMED at) this GIFT that GOD sent when HE had these lions come to protect this child. Angels can take any form...and then they just "disappeared into the wild"? THREE lions (as in The FATHER, The SON and The HOLY GHOST)!!?? Be THANKFUL that we have such a FATHER and GOD looking out for us!!

Well. Apparently bored and irritable, I responded: 

I am a Reasonable Human and I understand (and am OVERWHELMED at) this UNUSUAL EVENT in which NO GOD displayed evidence of intervention when HE OR SHE OR THEY failed to keep the girl out of this danger in the first place, and failed to punish the perpetrators of the hideous custom of bride kidnapping, and failed to perform any miraculous action on behalf of any children anywhere in the world, such as by clearing even one pediatric cancer ward of its patients (well, other than by letting them all die in agony, per the apparent default divine plan). Leprechauns can take any form… and then they just "disappeared into the wild"? THREE lions (as in CURLY, LARRY, and MOE)!!?? Be THANKFUL that sometimes creatures will act unpredictably, rather than outright killing children as lions and cobras and dogs and tuberculosis bacteria do too often in the utter absence of a FATHER and GOD looking out for us!

There! That'll raise hackles once it appears... which it hasn't yet, because... oops, the story is from 2005. Did not see that.

Chagrined, allow me to revisit my opener:

"Arguing on the Internet and doing so several years too late is really..."

As the world remembers the visionary who led Apple in more innovation than any ten competitors combined, WebProNews points out the ugly response by a familiar pack of loons. Yes, the Westboro Baptist Church is ready to take time out from picketing the funerals of celebrities and soldiers so it can defile the farewell to Steve Jobs.

Keep in mind: these people do not represent mainstream Christianity, or even mainstream humanity. Even fellow believers regard them as ugly nutcases, and for good reason. One has to wonder, though: if there were no silly religions with idiotic rants against "sin", would the Phelps clan be doing any picketing at all? If not for religion, what basis would they have for railing against "sin" or homosexuality or any of their bizarre targets? Just an idle thought; something to ponder while raising a glass (and an iPhone) in honor of Steve.

Speaking of iPhones: Yes, as the WebProNews article points out, the Phelps whacko tweeted that anti-Jobs screed from an iPhone. Really. (Believers say faith can move mountains, but apparently faith doesn't support a Twitter client.)

And speaking of Steve: I don't know what his religious stance was, but let's recall these wonderful words from his famed 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Beautiful. No dismissal of life as nothing more than a rehearsal or a test for an afterlife. Rather, Steve suggests the all-out embracing of this world's life as the only life we have. Positive-thinking atheists have been saying so all along; few have said it so well, or to as many eager listeners, as did Steve Jobs.

A life well lived. Thanks for all you did, Steve.

And the world keeps on having fun with the Rapture that wasn't.

Harold Camping's flock can rest assured: even if they've given away all their material goods, they can shovel semi-meat into burrito wraps to earn money again. Just enough to tide them over until October 21.

The photo was found here, but anyone know where this sign exists in the real world? My hat's off to the restaurant manager. 

From a card mailed to PostSecret:

I fear those left behind after the rapture will believe it was an alien abduction... instead of God taking His children home to Heaven.

How interesting, Believer. I fear that you're looking for a magic man in the sky where there is none.

And I fear that you're not going to honestly admit that your Rapture just ain't happening. 

Take old clothes and shoes; leave empty "clothes people" lying around town on May 21.

I can haz Rapture! 

(Via Eat Liver; original source unknown. See Prediction Watch for the May 21 Rapture warning.)

The Vatican's Father Gabriele Amorth thinks The Exorcist faithfully represents his job as the Pope's right-hand dispeller of demons (both the serpent kind and the scorpion kind!). In the US, where an astounding 40% of the population is said to firmly believe in angels and devils, Father Gary Thomas would steer you to The Rite to learn more of his 9-to-5. 

Both men are exorcists, a surprising number of which still ply the medieval trade of casting out evil spirits. Both are convinced that demons are real, that possession is real, and that the need for an army of exorcists is both real and growing (even extending to appeals for holy help from non-Catholics, says Thomas). And both share interesting (as in, can't-look-away bizarre) revelations of the workings of their craft: types and symptoms of possession, steps employed in the de-spiriting, and the importance of distinguishing genuine possession from mental illness.

Ahem. About that last item... If, in fact, demons aren't real, then just what are these men doing when they engage in their "healing ministry", as Thomas describes his hour-or-two bouts of Satanic battle? If there is no real possession, then aren't exorcists peddling witch-doctor hocus-pocus of the most gullible sort? Aren't they putting on a show that's indescribably silly? 

Much worse, says Brian Dunning of the Skeptoid podcast. Their actions are criminal. 

Brian's excellent Skeptoid episodes do their darnedest to carefully weigh claims of the bizarre and supernatural, based on even-handed examination of evidence. But in the episode The Exorcism of Anneliese, Brian wastes no words in slamming the medieval idiocy of exorcism and its tragic effects on people needing actual medical care for mental disorders. 

Today doctors can look at cases like Anneliese, and though we cannot make a reliable diagnosis without an examination, it seems clear that she suffered from a variety of conditions including dissociative identity disorder (formerly called multiple personality disorder)... 

Thus, the Catholic exorcism rite remains contemptuous of basic ethics and any pretense of considering the patient's welfare to be important...

Hundreds of professional exorcists walk among us, today, seeking critically ill psychiatric patients upon whom they can shout charms and sprinkle water. Many of these cases recount shocking tortures. Drownings, crucifixions, burnings, stabbings, all in the name of exorcism, and most to innocent children or the mentally ill.

Brian also points an accusing finger at the Hollywoodization of exorcism, and our own complicity in anointing a new canonical film monster to keep us entertained for a couple of hours at a time.

Filmmakers have exploited these victims to make not just The Exorcist, but a slew of other copycat films based on specific individuals, including Anneliese. Every time Linda Blair's head spun around, or she spat green vomit, we laughed and had a riotous old time at the theater. Would the same movies have been made exploiting the victims of other true-life crimes, and would we have laughed at the depictions of those actual victims in their dramatized death throes? 

Yikes. That one strikes a bit close to home; there is a certain attraction to the movie depiction of holy action-hero priests battling invisible monsters, even for those of us who find the supernatural bit pure fiction. It's fun until someone more thoughtful reminds us that, away from the big screen and the popcorn, real people are being hurt:

Exorcism is a brutal, heinous, medieval torture ritual justified only by ignorance. Its roots as a religious rite are irrelevant; a crime is still a crime.

Amen. Let's do what we can to banish exorcisms (and all harmful juju) to the realm of escapist fiction only. Thanks for the wake-up call, Brian.

PS: If you're not a subscriber to Skeptoid, remedy that now!

The Intertubes as a whole have been laughing at Bill O'Reilly's naming of the tides as "proof" of a magic man in the sky. Responding to the claim by David Silverman, President of American Atheists, that all religions are a scam, O'Reilly tells us how he knows they're not: 

"Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that."

Full video of the interview:

It seems that O'Reilly drops the tide bomb often, even roping that big shiny daytime ball-thing into his theology:

"Sun goes up, sun goes down."

Not surprisingly, comics everywhere aren't going to let that tide just come and go without remark. Stephen Colbert offers the video compilation of the universe a la O'Reilly:

(Colbert's summary of O'Reilly's theology: "There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.")

Well. Everyone's already done his or her best to let O'Reilly in on the secret behind the tides. Here are a few more things I think he should know:

1. The sun doesn't actually "go up" or "go down". Which is not a knock against O'Reilly; those are the colloquial terms for how we view things from the ground, and I suspect that even Bill knows that the Earth revolves. But:
2. The sun does indeed go up and down with impressive, clock-like regularity. That's because an object in motion (including revolution) continues to do so, unchanged, unless affected by an external force. In other words, the regular rising and setting of the sun is what must happen in the absence of a miracle-working God.
3. Thus, if the sun and the tides didn't move with predictable regularity, that would be a sign of possible divine power. (Thanks, Bill, for helping argue for the lack of a God!)
4. Once again, O'Reilly is right when he claims that the sun behaves with awesome regularity. And that's why, when we hear an ancient claim that the sun stopped for a day so Joshua could kill more people, we know it's a myth.
5. Getting back to real phenomena of nature, here are a few more occurrences for O'Reilly to ponder: Earthquake comes, children die. Volcano erupts, children die. Drought sets in, children die. Too much rain falls, children die. Plague breaks out, children die. Explain those, Bill.

Speaking of children, let me note in closing that the babes – or at least, those that survive the grotesque "miscommunications" of O'Reilly's God – are the very ones who hold The Book that may help explain the tides mystery to Bill:

(Should be a required science text at Fox News. They could call back David Silverman, or any egg-head liberal, to help with the big words.) 

Yes, the religious are (often) nuts.

Ever notice how the logo to denote USB, the ubiquitous technology for connecting peripherals to personal computers, looks like a devilish pitchfork?

Okay, neither have I. But then again, I'm not of the theological ilk to detect the image of Mother Mary gracing a pastrami, either. A gaggle of evangelicals in Brazil, displaying the flavor of open-mindedness on which believers pride themselves, have decided to swear off the use of USB ports because of logo's resemblance to the imaginary pointy-thing carried by an imaginary villain. From USB - Satan's Data Connection:

The evangelical cult "Paz do Senhor Amado" ("Peace Beloved of the Lord") in the interior of Brazil forbids its followers to use any USB technology by contending that it uses a symbol that makes apology to the devil.

According to its founder, the "Apostle" Welder Saldanha says that this is just a symbol of Satan, is always present in all Christian homes.

No word on whether the new USB 3.0 standard enables faster transfer rates to deliver soul packets to Hell. (Where the techno-damned will presumably spend an eternity slaving away at Windows Vista terminals, relishing the occasional breaks for less-painful pitchfork disembowlings.)

So, what's a good Christian gadget lover in the Amazon to do? Fear not; the "Apostle" isn't demanding Amish levels of Luddism from his flock. Believers are free to use the wireless Bluetooth connection technology instead, as 

"Blue was the color of the eyes of our savior Jesus Christ."

Score one for Jesus the Nordic Jew! (Suggestion to "Apostle" Saldanha: Give Bluetooth the thumbs-up to honor King Harald "Bluetooth" Gormsson of Denmark's conversion to Christianity, instead of Jesus's impossible eye color. You'll get laughed at a bit less.)

Anyway. Maybe the story's completely false; it could all be just the latest Internet joke. Anyone in Brazil have further news on this puzzling piece of purported pareidolia?

So some goober wants to conduct a public Koran-burning, partly because that book of scripture is bad while this book of scripture is good, and partly as a brilliant plan to protest Islamic extremists by equally enraging Muslim extremists and moderates alike. ("It's so crazy it just might..." Nah. I don't think so.)

As of this writing, the torching is on hold while the pastor milks all the publicity possible out of the uproar. He's got the full attention and commentary of Muslims, Christians, and atheists around the world – even pleas to desist from US President Obama, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and military commander Gen. David Petraeus! Not bad for a nobody from an unknown "ministry" in Florida.

Those high-level voices are calling for a halt to the stunt in the interest of avoiding riots and worse. It's a damn shame that anyone – even a goober burning silly books to get attention – has to refrain from goofy but perfectly legal activity because some offended persons will react with psychotic violence. But that's the reality of the world, and I have to agree with Obama and the rest: The burning will needlessly place real lives at risk, whether US soldiers in the Middle East, US citizens around the world, or just anyone who gets in the way of the offended lunatics.

I can't agree today with PZ Myers: Readeth thou more

Exorcism?

Here in the second decade of the 21st century, you might think that the only exorcism still to be found in the Church involves casting altar boys out of their robes. But while that may form the mainstream of Catholic clerical practices, good old-fashioned hellspawn expulsion remains on the Vatican's menu of imaginary services.

A lot of folks lately have been talking up the story of "Father" Gabriele Amorth, cross-slinging demon-buster of the Holy See, who claims a Vatican-roaming Satan himself is behind Church improprieties ("the Devil made them diddle", I guess). Reading words about – and by – the 85-year-old priest is a trip into utter lunacy, of course, but I gotta say it's awfully entertaining wackiness. Here are some things I've learned about the Church and the exorcist biz in particular: Readeth thou more